A ruler rapped across the knuckles. A serious ass spanking with a green willow branch, or a shoe, or a ladle, or an open hand, or a book or a leather belt. A whole month without phone or television privileges. No dessert after dinner. No dinner at all. Going to bed early. No recess.
Some call it "punishment" or "detention" or "being grounded." Whatever you call it, it's what your parents or guardians did to keep you in line and prevent you from being a complete and total shit. Sadly, being a shit is now considered a charming trait and more and more all you see are piles of "shits" lying around, being shitty. Their parents sitting idly by and smiling, proudly. They have conversations with themselves of how proud they are of their shit. There is nothing parents like to brag about more than their shit. There is nothing more charming than a parent who thinks that their shit don't stink.
Alec Baldwin left a message for his daughter and he called her a name. He didn't hit her. She can still sit down. She didn't lose anything precious. She'll still go to bed rich and wake up with a brighter future than anyone else I've ever known at her age. For some reason, the parents who are usually sitting idly by and watching their shits grow in to full blown diarrhea are all up in arms over Mr. Baldwin's assault on his daughter, Pig.
Her father called her, "A thankless and ungrateful little pig," and I have to say, if that's all he said to create this hysteria and stir the media attention pot so vigorously then we should be less shocked at Mr. Baldwin and more outraged at ourselves for being so transparent, ridiculous and obviously shallow. At least Alec was able to open his eyes, see his shit and give it a name. (Pigs love to wallow in their shit)
Of course, it's not uncommon for us to jump up and down for such a bland little story like this and turn it into such a cause celeb for everyone to rally around. We have a history of this in our country. As the world around us is screaming and shouting and shooting at each other and blowing each other up, the only national dialogue we have, or can stomach, seems to be, "What is Britney Spears going to do to get her career back on track?" I know I'm flummoxed and pained because I don't know what she's going to do either.
I don't have a lot of time to worry about Brittney's future, or Alec and Pig's family disciplinary tactics because fast approaching is my trip to Africa. Normally a pending trip to a foreign country is something I really look forward to, but with all of this drama in my own country, I just can't seem to get my mind on track. I need to prepare my mind and body for the rigors of a trip to a war torn area of Africa and I have to figure out a way to best entertain a bunch of American soldiers who have been fighting there for five years. What material should I do? What do you think our soldiers want to hear about? The price of gas? The Yankees' woes? What should I tell them about "What's going on" at home? Perhaps I should do a bunch of jokes about Alec Baldwin's phone message to Pig. I'm sure the soldiers who have lived in a tent in 120 degree heat for the past five years will find those jokes hysterical. Or perhaps I should carry on about Phil Spectre's murder trial. There is nothing the people of Africa like, or appreciate more, than a tale of a murder where the murderer goes free because they're rich and their victim was poor.
I think I'm going to be a hit.
Alec Baldwin has scoured his daughter's precious "life-of-substance" veneer and we have been made to witness. We have decided that we should not sit idly by and let a rich man in the midst of a brutal custody battle vent out some frustration. We have decided that we don't care about the rest of the world's evils or woes, and we have decided that Alec Baldwin is the new face of disgrace and the personification of personal shame.
Our own shame and disgraces seem somehow less powerful and important, and therefore more manageable, if we place them on someone else's shoulders for them to bear. Isn't that the cornerstone of the Christian faith? Isn't that the basic tenet of friendship?
I leave in 15 days. I hope for my sake that we figure out what to do with Alec and Pig Baldwin. I hope that Brittney announces her comeback plans so I can get some rest. I hope that the shy black girl wins American Idol. And I hope the rest of the world's pain is kept out of my sight, at least until fund raising season, so I can get my work done. When I get back, we can pull out AIDS, or starvation, or land mines, or slavery, or human rights and we can walk a couple of miles, or wear a ribbon on our clothes to raise awareness and be done with it (I just like to do my part). There is nothing I enjoy more than raising awareness. I learned how to properly "raise" things by watching Alec Baldwin.
