invasion of bahrain

Episode #3

Hot Shit!

Sleep is a gift, ask anyone who doesn't get much of it and they'll tell you. I'm getting to sleep three to four hours at a time and with each little nap(?) I just get more exhausted. When I'm not sleeping, I'm shitting. I know I haven't eaten enough food to justify this insanity and for those of you who are on my shit TEXT list, be happy that I don't have the phone with me. It's just madness. For those of you that think it's the water, you're half right. However, I am using nothing but bottled water for everything and I rinse with Listerine every other minute. Todd is just sucking down the fluids with local ice cubes and statistically speaking - he's shitting twice as much as I am.

The sun comes up here at 4 a.m. and it isn't the type of sunrise where it sort of peeks out at you and then slowly proceeds to increases its intensity with each passing second, oh no. Here in Bahrain it just come straight up and starts cookin'. It was 100 degrees at 4 a.m. when I took my morning stroll. I accidentally walked 5 miles because I wasn't paying attention. I ran into heavy traffic from all of the marines and naval personnel that were doing their morning P.T. and the looks they gave me with my tattoos and portly little body were magical.

After the run, I lucked out and walked into the one building that houses the food and the Internet. Breakfast was being served a la carte and it was of a quality just above a Denney's meal. Nothing to cry about, but nothing to be proud of either. It didn't matter, food is food and for some particular reason I am famished. It must be from all of that laborious pooping. The Internet is slow, but at least they have it. Thank you to all of you who sent an email, sorry I can't respond to them all.

All the buildings on the base are puddy yellow much like the rest of Bahrain. There are a few transplanted trees scattered here and there to provide some modest shade and to break up the monotony of the puddy. Every so many yards there is a soldier wearing puddy yellow body armor from head to toe, and carrying a very large weapon. He, or she, looks like she has had enough of the heat and if killing you would mean a ticket home then so be it. The rest of the troops and sailors are wearing shorts and tee shirts, the very things we were told we couldn't wear here. As it turns out, 80 percent of what I brought to wear here is too warm for this climate. If they ever make clothes out of tissue paper, this would be the ideal place to wear them. It's just hot and with everything tinted puddy yellow, the sun's rays just reflect off of everything; the walls, the ground, and they burn you everywhere. If you weren't so moist from all the sweating you would probably burst into flames.

The first day on the base we didn't get much accomplished other than to get the low-down on what we could and couldn't do and what we should expect from the show. The warnings they gave us about touring Bahrain have made it almost impossible to get up the courage to leave the base and see any of it. Apparently danger lurks everywhere, even though there has never ever been an incident in this country. Not ever.

We slept, we ate, we shat. We slept some more. Then it was noon. Exciting no?

The sun fell out of the sky like a pat of butter melting on a hot skillet. Suddenly it was just gone. Sadly, the heat didn't leave with it.

The show was going to be held outside which is always a challenge, but a challenge worth doing when you remember why you're here. The crowd was large, well behaved and more appreciative than we expected, even though neither one of us was really awake for the show.

After our show, a Thai rock and roll band took the stage and sang covers of every song you can think of from country to punk and they tore the place up. Of course, it helps to have a lead singer that is a sexy looking girl wearing Daisy Duke cut offs and a half shirt. Marines tend to go for that sort of thing in their entertainment. They were fresh off the boat and really, really happy to see that Thai lady. She could have given a sermon on AIDS and they would have been happy and horny.

The Marines that didn't fawn over Thai girl made their way over to us and were full of questions, and booze. I wasn't ten minutes into answering questions about my tattoos before my first drink was bought for me. I'm still half-asleep and suffering from the shits, booze can only make matters worse. But I'm a trooper. That's why I'm here, to bring joy. Let my boozing be an indication of my dedication to service.

It was decided that all of the Marines and myself should get a tattoo. Muslims frown upon tattoos so the only place to get one was on the base from a sailor who has a home made gun. Never the best solution, but a solution it was and the calls were made. Thankfully, the Marines started fighting with themselves before any ink could be spilled and no one walked away with anything poorly thought out. It was decided that the next night would be more fitting. I had had enough and I stumbled back to my puddy yellow room to shit and pass out. I left Todd behind so he could drool over the Thai singer. He seemed to be in love. I wonder if there is a place in this crazy world for those two?

I woke up at 5 and again I was out running amid the crowd. These kids are in much better shape than I'm in and it's a sad sight to see me out there bearing the only fat on the whole base. I lost ten pounds in sweat alone before I was able to stumble back to my room for a shower. When I got there, I noticed that Todd's bed was empty and that he hadn't come back to the room last night. A bad sign. We were told to stick together and to not venture out without someone knowing where we are at all times. Todd was plastered and tired, so he probably forgot. What perils lay ahead?

I went out looking for him every where I could think he might be. That is to say, I went to the jail and the hospital, but he wasn't there. It was still hours before anything on base would be open so I could call someone to inquire about Todd's whereabouts. What if he went off base after a hooker? What if he took that personality out on the town without anyone there to watch his back? Shit. What if Todd was going to be the center of an international incident? There are already three G.I.'s missing this week, now Todd.

It was 9:30 before he just reappeared out of nowhere. Hung over, and shocked that he had caused such a panic. By the time he reappeared, there had been a small group of people anxiously looking everywhere for him so they could cover their asses should something happen to him. Legally, Todd is their responsibility. The base was frantic in their efforts to find the missing comic and for him to reappear so casually and hung over wasn't the greatest moment in comic-military relations.

Troubles aside, and after another shit and a nap, I was beyond desperate to get out and see Bahrain. This was really the only full day we had to get out and tour around and I didn't want to miss out. Friday is a religious holiday and everything would be closed, so it's now or never to see a real mosque and take in the sights. Giddy doesn't begin to describe it.

I was told that I had to cover my body so my tattoos wouldn't show. I was also told I couldn't wear my KC hat or my Kansas tee shirt as both would attract too much attention and the locals would be offended by them. I was willing to do anything, even suffer in miserable heat in a long sleeve shirt, and defy my Jayhawk love, just to see this country. I lost another ten pounds from the experience.

Todd, hung over and ashamed, came along for the ride.

We took a cab to the biggest mosque in Bahrain. The trip to the world beyond the base walls was incredible. There is so much beauty to be found in a world of concrete and sand. That must explain Micheal Jackson's desire to live here for a year(before he was kicked out). It's very beautiful in it's simplicity.

Even though the entire exterior is puddy yellow stone, the Mosque's interior is beautiful marble and silk. The interior dome is made up of glass and an enormous chandelier which is covered with hundreds of candles spreading light everywhere. The place spoke of heavenly beauty and passion and you can see where people can get so worked up about a religion. Inside there were only a few people praying, but someone in the highest tower was praying out loud on huge speakers so the whole town could hear it. You could not escape the sound. Muslims pray five times a day and during that time, NOTHING happens. Nothing. They are very serious about their prayers. I felt like I was pissing people off by standing there taking photos.

Our cabbie informed us that there is no poverty, or drunks, or homeless people in Bahrain. The more I looked around, the more I could see that he was right. Everyone here has money, everyone. Owning a Mercedes here is the equivalent of owning a Mazda in America. That must be why you see so many Arabs in them when they come to America. They really must think we're cheap driving around in Hondas. Money is everywhere here. It's a very modern city with antiquated habits.

We didn't have much time to look around after we toured the Mosque so Todd and I went to the Bahrain National Museum, which was the closest thing to us and something that would certainly stay open past 1, the time that everything closes in the Middle East. Normally a small market or taking in some local flavor would be nice to see, but everyone spoke so highly about this Museum we just had to go...

[no more until I arrive in Amsterdam in three days]