what's a sooner?

Is it an election year? I'm confused. Don't we vote for a president every four years? Wasn't the last election in 2004? Was it? I don't remember. On television is a bunch of news about presidential candidate this and presidential candidate that, and I know we just elected one of these mindless retards. And unless my timing is off, I know he isn't gone yet. We couldn't be so lucky.

I wasn't aware that this year was an election year and I'm surprised that I don't know much about most of the lambs on the slab. Normally I really like to sink my teeth in and really get to know the freaks that have offered up their souls to the media gods. All so that they might be the most powerful, most hated, and the most powerfully hated man, in the whole wide world. What type of man would want that for themselves or their family? What level of insanity does one need to find before the words "I'm running for president" can fall out of your mouth? Doesn't the fact that they would want the position in the first place speak of their gross inability to make long term, thoughtful decisions? Do we really want some asshole hell-bent on power and sick with greed to be our leader? Isn't that one of the main reasons why we go to war with other little countries and kill a lot of people? Well, every four years a great crowd of power-mad, socially retarded men sprout up and answer that call to glory. I am beginning to think that they are not really humans anymore. I'm sure that the corporations of the world have figured out a way to make Stepford politicians. In homosexual terminology, they're called "bottoms."

There have already been TWO presidential debates on television so I guess we're getting close to election day. The last election there was only three televised debates and they came barely a month away from election day, so we must be close. If you saw either one of the two debates, the first thing you noticed was that there was 8, 348 contestants in each debate. This only allowed each contestant to speak for a total of 2.4 seconds. In that time they have to state their case why they should be the dictator of the free world, and to answer any questions or rebuke one another. It was riveting stuff.

Looking at the new stock of would-be Stalins up there on the stage, one gets the feeling that this whole mess is just another reality show gone awry. Each week another candidate will go home amid a sex scandal, because of low television ratings, or because they fuck up a key speech and call the people of Indiana "Sooners" and not "Hoosiers."

There are just so many Muppety-like humans to choose from in this election, and with two different, very distinctive parties of idiots to choose from, you know it's going to be an action packed election season. And this is just a preliminary round. Right now, the election is sort of like the audition episodes on American Idol where you get to watch tone-deaf retards bellow out "I'll be," or dance out their rendition of "Toxic." There is no early money on any one fuckstick but my money is on Rudy "make sure my make up is one right or I'll fire you and everyone in your family, and get me an old black woman to shake my hand in this shot" Gulliani. He's on the RepubliCAN ticket, but I think in the end, he'll get the most call in votes and be the Last Comic Standing.

In the very generous and extremely fair two-parties-or-nothing-at-all political system that we have here in America, the other shoe is represented by the well-meaning Democrats. They have more candidates than their soulless Republican counterparts and some of them have names you'll probably recognize: Hillary Clinton, as in the former first lady Hillary Clinton. Rumor has it that she has a penis-sized clitoris and bats left handed. She'll probably outlast all of the other Dems, but sadly, no one wants to see her as President.

Barrack Obama, as in black man with a Muslim sounding name. Not like that should matter in the touchy-feely Democratic party. America has grown up and even the stern voters of the KKK might overlook his color and his name and vote for him. He's also a smoker, which means there is no way in hell he's ever going to get elected in America. If he were an abortion doctor with a penchant for driving drunk with little, half naked, white girls in the car, that could only improve his chances. That's how far he has to go. Expect him to accept the role as novelty vice-presidential candidate to Hillary Clinton's presidential nod. She's good with using people and he needs the press. If a Jewish candidate shows up in a wheel chair, expect that to be her second choice for novelty vice-president should Barrack say no. The self-righteous Democrats should split into a million little voting camps and with that you'll all but guarantee a Gulliani victory.

I don't like politicians for the same reason I don't like knock-knock jokes - They're obvious, and they're empty while still presenting themselves as clever. They're both filled with cheap material that appeals to an "everybody" audience and at the same time speaks to no one. It's shapeless, undefined and - probably most insulting - a complete lie. Candidates also speak in the same tone that sneaky, teen aged Casanova's do while they're trying to convince their girlfriend to drop her panties and put out. He offers up false promises with a well rehearsed Cheshire grin, and when he gets what he wants from her, he abandons her and lets her clean up the puddle of love hanging from her chin.

Bob Dole ran for president in 1996 and lost. During his campaign he was dull, dour and flaccid and no one connected with him unless they too were dull, dour and flaccid. He was kind of like the king of the dull, dour and flaccid people. He lost to a good ole boy, skirt chaser that ate Big Macs and smirked a lot. Two years after Bob Dole lost to Mr. Wal-Mart, he started showing up on television everywhere. And when he got on television, Bob was filled with technicolor. He was funny and charming and as down to earth as your best friend. He was Human. Had I seen this part of Bob during the election, I would have voted for him. Hell, I would have campaigned on his behalf. He would have been the king of the colorful, funny, charming people. After Clinton left office - Mr. Wal-Mart - he stayed the exact same adorable hillbilly that we elected. He never showed any signs of life. No evolution, no growth. It became obvious that America had made a huge mistake in electing him. Hindsight is the punishment for bad decisions.

I hope that this season's candidates remember the cautionary tale of Bob Dole and bring out their personality or, if that fails them, their true nature. If you're a really a greedy bastard, let us know. If you're a racist, let us know. Let your people respect you. They may not agree with ALL of you, but they can respect you. NO ONE is perfect and no one can pretend to be or they look even more scandalous. The only people we don't like are the people that we know to be obviously fake humans. It's been so many years since America last respected one of its leaders...I'd say we're due.

So far in the campaigns the candidates have done exactly what we have come to expect from them - they have corralled all of their opinions into one simple, yet messy, message so that none of them will stand out from any of the other candidates. No one likes an outsider and nothing feels worse than being excluded. So, this should guarantee that no matter which one of human cysts gets the nomination, they'll sound just like the other booger that you did like that didn't get the nomination and you won't worry yourself to death.

The would-be Nazis predictably take a party line position on every news issue that comes up. They put out identical statements on the issue. Of course, on the other side of the universe, the Sith Lords Republicans take an even weirder position of solidarity on the issue, but when you remember who buys their line of bullshit their comments don't shock you quite as much. I say we wait for them to bow their heads to give thanks for their whiteness and then set them on fire.

These are some of the issues that should thin the weak out of the herd this year. Pick any three.

Abortion. Environment. War. Education. Poverty. Starvation. Disease Spending. Medicare. Gun Control. Gay Marriage. Evolution vs. State's Rights. Social Security. War records. Resume accuracy. Success to failure ratio. OR Choose from any of the millions and millions of random things that could come up. Just fill in the blank.

I'm voting for the first person that calls President Bush a stupid cunt and doesn't apologize for it. Or the first person who promises to prosecute Bush and his buddies, and says, "Knock Knock."