invasion of bahrain

Episode #2

Bahrain drops.

The Muslim world views eating pork as one of the single greatest sin by man on this planet. Most of the people that are flying to Bahrain and, indeed, most of the people of Bahrain, are Muslim. The second greatest sin is marking or altering the body in any way. Tattoos are really bad. Tattoos are a great sin and it speaks of the evilness of the person that bears them. I am batting a thousand with my fellow passengers. I must look like hell on toast.

I pulled the only food I had with me to eat out of my bag - a 24 hour old ham and cheese sandwich. I was so tired from the flight that I didn't even think about the great insult it would be to eat it in front of my fellow passengers. The ham ripped apart practically in slow motion as I took big gnarly sinful bites. The corners of my mouth oozed out spicy mustard which probably looked like sin's foulness pouring out of me. The other passengers wouldn't have noticed me had I just not opened the bag of extra crispy potato chips. The loud CRUNCH of the chips seemed to echo through the terminal and drew every curious onlookers. Eventually everyone at the gate was staring at me. Even the other Americans that were concerned that my foulness might ruin things for them.

By the time I realized that I had completely offended everyone it was too late. I was indeed the living embodiment of all that they had been taught about Americans and our sinful ways. I must have been a sight to see. There is just something about me in foreign airports that demands attention. However, the crowd that gathered around me didn't seem interested in getting my autograph this time.

Thankfully Todd Justice arrived and released some of the tension. It was getting hard to eat the chips quietly and I felt guilty about every bite I was taking. Todd and I have been friends for many years and he will be the other half of this comedy tour. He's a big, bald, and an unabashedly loud Texan. He was just enough of a character to get the eyes off of my catalog of debauchery long enough so I could finish my meal.

He's a good man - direct, very tall. Funny. It's really nice to see him and to know that he'll be on this trip with me. I think touring with people you know is a lot more entertaining. He walks up to where I am sitting at the gate and in his own Todd way, he starts to unload a very colorful tale of his trip over the pond. Apparently he was stuck in a small seat next to a man with a powerful cough from what he called, "Peruvian Gator Flu," and a screaming baby, so he wasn't able to rest at all. I didn't have the heart to tell him about my first class pampering, but I'm a comic and incredibly impish, so I dug down deep and told him anyway. He was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. That quiet that says, "oh...Well goodie for you."

We got on the plane and sadly walked past first class into steerage. I was almost to the rear of the plane before I found my seat. I'm not much of a flyer and planes make me nervous on several levels. For one, I don't like the stagnant feeling in the air. Especially the air in the back of the plane away from the open door. I like air flow. I don't even like my windows closed when I drive or if I'm at home in -20 below temps. I like air flow. There were no vents on this plane. None. I hated it.

The only solace I received was when I looked back and saw Todd sitting further back. Just as he took his seat, the rear door of the plane opened and a woman in a coma, suffering from a deadly disease came in on a stretcher. They laid her out across several rows of seats and zip-tied her in...right next to Todd's face. To his left would be the only woman on the plane with a screaming baby. His face said it all.

I still couldn't sleep. 8 hours of flying and I watched every movie I could. We flew into night and Europe turned into the Black sea, then the eerie glow of Turkery, Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan. Their deserts were aglow with fires from refineries and random cities below us. It was beautiful even though you know that below are men and women dying and those flames are part of the reason.

We landed in Abu Dhabi for a brief stopover and most of the plane, including the ill woman, departed. The second they opened the rear door, a wave of heat that felt like lava pouring over me ran into me and I immediately began to pour sweat. I had been in my sweats now for close to 24 hours and I needed to change. However, the laws stated that we couldn't get off the airplane and by the look of the armed guards surrounding the plane on the tarmac, I could see that I was going to have to change in a one foot by one foot room of the toilet.

I put on some decent clothes but it didn't help. It was still seven million degrees on the plane. And there were no little vents to keep us cool. None. As in - They didn't build the plane with the little nubby vents that you twist for relief. It was stifling.

Todd was talking to some Americans in the aisle near his seat and when I got closer he introduced me to them. It was Geoff Bodine - NASCAR champion. He was out here on a tour just like us and he was just the nicest guy. He made you feel good and I guess that's why he's here, it's not like he's going to tell jokes or sing songs for the troops, he's a race car driver!

The last flight of the trip was less than thirty minutes. When we got off the plane, out of customs and out into the night air and it was over 100 degrees with perfect humidity. It was death. I was too tired to care or I would have collapsed and died.

We drove to the base through Bahrain. The city is a bit ragged and beautiful all at the same time. It looks like every Middle Eastern city that you've seen on TV and in the movies - Puddy yellow buildings, made of concrete and covered with matching yellow sand. Lots of fancy cars and brown people wearing white. I wish my first impression could have been better but I was in a coma and barely breathing.

For some reason we decided that we needed to eat something and so, for reasons I can't explain, I ate A&W burgers. I can't remember what it tasted like, but I ate it.

I went to bed - - at 2 a.m. Over 35 hours after I woke up.

The next day started for me before I woke up. Shitting was to become my new favorite past time.